Tag Archives: relationships

My 3 Top Tips For Overcoming Heartache

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Happy Monday, Gazers.

Inspired by a Facebook pop-up from 10 years ago, this is a top mindset tip for anyone who has ever:

  • Suffered heartbreaking betrayal that took your breath away and knocked you for six — for some time to come;
  • Struggled to believe in the goodness of others and worried that your ability to trust was gone for good;
  • Worried that the old you was lost forever, replaced by a new jaded model with the kind of baggage that would break the back of the strongest of porters.

A Personal Tale Of Pain & Loss

The picture below was me at university with my first love. A lovely, giddy, gentle love for much of our five year romance — the kind of love others seemed to aspire to — the kind of love that stirred boyish wonderings about babies and forevers — the kind of love that went on to break my heart into a million pieces and make me question whether honesty, integrity and trust could ever really exist again.

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Discovering that the man I’d trusted had been living a double-life was breath-taking in all the wrong ways – for me — my family — and anyone who had known us.

I’m not going to lie – the revelation knocked me for six — right before 12 law exams that challenge students even in their rightest of minds. In short – it was a twist in the fairytale like I had never imagined — a complete loss of innocence that left a gaping hole in my soul — my self-esteem — and my ability to trust for some time to come. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about if you’ve experienced something similar.

But I’m not here to mope on the downs – for thankfully they are now long gone. I’m here to share my top tips for lifting you out of real, back-breaking trauma – of any kind:

1. Get Some Counselling.

When you’ve experienced the kind of shock that shakes you to your core whether romantic, professional or otherwise, help yourself heal through counselling. Sharing overwhelming feelings will help you process your emotions, deal with your vulnerability and move forward into positive relationships that are good for you.

2. Remember How Far You’ve Come. 

Rebuilding yourself when you feel blindsided takes huge amounts of courage and strength. Even the smallest of steps are to be celebrated. Make sure you celebrate these weekly in a journal and watch your growth — maybe not back to the old you — but a new, wiser, stronger version of your old self.

3. Know That Suffering Is The Root Of Enlightenment. 

As Ekhart Tolle says: ‘The down cycle is absolutely essential for spiritual realisation’ – or put another way – ‘The wound is the place the light enters you’ (Rumi). So when you’re feeling low, remember, that’s the root from which strength and wisdom grow – the best basis for a life bursting with consciousness, empathy, presence and deep fulfilment.

How Can You Apply This In Your Daily Life?

So while that pain body may have dented the old you more than a little, know that nothing is truly permanent and the sun will rise again. And that countless others have gone through, survived and blossomed after soul-shaking challenges. Reframe your pain a little like that, if you can, and watch the law of attraction bring abundance and happiness your way.

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Suicidal To Bridal: A Single Girl’s Guide From Tragic To Magic

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Happy Sunday, dear Gazers ♢
For those of you have have ever wondered:
Will I ever meet my soul mate?
♡ Are fairytales the stuff of fantasy?
♡ Why haven’t I met Prince Charming yet?

Here is a magic little story of hope about a girl who looks just like me.

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She always got a fair bit of attention from the boys – but none quite mature enough – or extraordinary enough – to hold her tight – for richer for poorer – till death do us part.

And after what felt like an age going for men who looked (or acted) like 10 year old skateboarders (sometimes with eyeliner and leather waistcoats), she – finally – struck – gold – when a distant friend connected her with some guy called OJ. She said she’d like him because he was well-spoken and wore Chelsea boots.

Turned out she liked him for reasons which ran a little deeper in the end!

His Roman nose for one.

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And his ability to put up with her random acts of eccentricity – smearing humous in his face on date two – date TWO.

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While some of the other boys had tugged on her heartstrings – in all the wrong ways – OJ’s first thought on date 2 was, “What would a girl like this see in a guy like me?” Irony of ironies.

As their short wedding video below shows, she found her Prince Charming – in the boy with the round eyes and the Roman nose.

She found her fairytale – despite, no doubt, wondering at times whether it would ever materialise.

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So I beseech you today, dear Gazers – especially for those of you who may find it hard to keep believing from time to time:

1. You are worth the wait;
2. The wait will be worth it; and
3. You will be everything and more to your extraordinary other half – who is also waiting patiently for you.

Warts and all.

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So never stop believing in yourself and your love story.

Let the transiences of transient hearts wash over you while you keep visualising your happy ending – stronger and stronger – brighter and brighter – exactly – as – you – see – it.

Your own unbelievable love story – the real-life fairytale – the full – dreamy – shabbang.

Because if you can believe it – you will receive it. It’s the law of attraction, after all. All you have to do is work out what you really want and busy yourself doing what makes you happy in the mean time.

And if you’re in a dip right now and are struggling to pull yourself out – this short wedding vid should help ♡

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How Being More Selfish Is The Best Way To Love

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How often do you look outwards to others to make you happy? When was the last you felt angry with someone for feeling bad – whether a boyfriend, girlfriend, friend or otherwise?

When was the last time you talked in circles to a friend about someone causing you pain or something not being fair – I can think of a fair few examples…

And while it’s very human to look to others to make you happy, the moment that steps into reliance and blame you’re stepping into victim zone and letting someone else determine your happiness – not those powerful inner resources which really determine your sense of peace.

And while making someone else responsible for your happiness is one of the easiest mistakes to make – it’s also one of the slippiest slopes you can go down – creating unhealthy victim-master dynamics in relationships which are just plain bad for everyone.

What Jada Pinkett Teaches Us About Love

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For as Jada Pinkett so beautifully explains in the short clip below, while society may suggest that the best mums sacrifice everything for their children or that the best partners do everything for their spouses – this just ain’t what happiness is made of.

In actual fact, what really happens if you spend too much of your life focusing all of your energies on others?

What happens when your perfectly formed children, your life masterpieces, grow up and take paths of their own – which, by the way – may not make you happy?

The shit hits the fan, that’s what.

**Newsflash**

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True happiness and balance is a personal responsibility and it starts from within – whether meditating in the morning, taking time out to plan your next soul-sizzling goal or making yourself the most delicious meal you could possibly imagine – just for you.

And while healthy relationships are a two way street and sometimes require frank communication and accountability, next time you feel unhappy, try to resist pointing that finger of blame outwards.

Instead, ask yourself how you can focus more on project you and let the person who’s taking up so much of your airtime come along for the ride – if they so desire. And watch the balance shift.

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So if you do one thing this Christmas, wee one, remember this simple formula:

1. You have a right to be happy;
2. Happiness starts from within;
3. Your inner happiness is what determines the rest.

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So learn to be a little more selfish this Christmas – get practising for next year – and watch the rest fall into line – just as it’s meant to.

And for more where that came from, check out Will Smith’s dynamo of a wife here:

What My Mum Never Taught Me About Love

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“If you can’t see the beauty in her quirks, if you don’t think that maybe she might be a little bit of magic, don’t you dare say that she is just a girl; because she’s a masterpiece”.

Many special people will cross your path in life, wee one – some that your parents adore and you don’t – some your best friends mistrust while you proclaim the contrary – and some who, despite their wondrously unique qualities, leave you wondering if you really, truly know them – deep down inside. That sacred connection – that honesty – that goes by the cheesy but essential barometer called intimacy.

What’s Your Definition Of Love?

Here’s mine.

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When I was a little girl, my mother told me true love is crystal clear. That any doubts – any – mean it’s wrong. And while I understand her abject confidence (knowing my dad as I do) – I just don’t agree. My view of love is a little more shaded, grayscale and a little less black and white. Call it wisdom, experience or naivety, that’s the case.

An awesome, realistic, freeing way to be? Hell yeah. But vulnerability inducing, truth-facing and a whole lot more terrifying – too bloody right.

Where’s The Line Between Storybook Romance And Reality?

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I don’t pretend to be an expert on love – and frankly – mistrust people who do – but what I do know is that while it can be hard to navigate between your wants and needs, your rationale and your instinct, love and lust – the intention to remain real – true – and honest – are all that really count.

A close chum shared her fiancé’s thoughts after an argument recently. His words moved me. “No matter what happens, we have the fundamentals, so we’ll always be ok”.

Safety, reassurance, maturity, knowing. Faith that the fundamentals will carry you through.

How Can You Apply This To Your Daily Life?

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So for any of you wee ones who might be worrying your little minds away this evening, remember this – trust the vibes you get – energy doesn’t lie. Think about how you feel when your instincts are in check and where you feel this – and how you feel when you’re letting your fears get the better of your sense of knowing – and how this manifests itself differently in your body.

For vulnerability is a complex business. At times it can be a great yardstick for danger – like a red traffic light screaming at you – and at other times it can feel like a wobbly, knee-jerk reaction to irrational fear.

But what ultimately separates that fear in the pit of your stomach from true peace of mind – is that intangible sense of knowing and trust – knowing that your bottom line can be met, that the abstract feeling in your gut is right and that lasting love will see you for the masterpiece that you really are.

Sweet dreams xo

#love

#honesty

#intimacy

#knowing

#trust

The Wisest Learnings Of All On Love: Kahlil Gibran

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Happy Sunday, wondrous wonder. Enjoy the full fruitiness of the day cos it ain’t over yet!

Starting today, I’ll be sharing some soul-nourishing nuggets of wisdom from an earth-shatteringly thought-provoking book, The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.

An instant bestseller on publication in 1923, it’s crammed full of lessons galore on those life-defining, key strands of being – the ones which make and break us – the struggles that define and refine us – and the questions which confuse and clarify it all – one way or another.

From freedom, self-knowledge, good, evil, love, marriage and pain – this is wisdom gift-wrapped in all kinds of something special.

Here are some of my favourites on the theme of love, handpicked just for you…

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\\ When love beckons, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tender branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart.

And think not that you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course \\

So remember this as you wade through the maze of love…

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Life is change – life is learning – experience is growth – even if it doesn’t always feel that way.

Clarity doesn’t come from knowing it all – from being picture perfect Facebook happy or seeming so – from never knowing loss or pain, confusion or challenge. Clarity comes from pushing beyond your boundaries, taking risks, daring to care – and having the courage to step outside your comfort zone – again and again.

For it’s only really in knowing our boundaries that we are able to find our rightful place in life and identify with whom we want to sit alongside for the topsy turvy ride – safe in the knowledge that we have tried, tested and learnt – the secrets of our hearts.

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The Secret Ingredients To Relationship Success

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Happiest of Mondays, wee beauty. If it’s not sunny where you are, I hope you have something super fun planned at the end of your day to celebrate being back in the working week flow.

I’ve written more than usual on relationship transitions recently – especially for those amongst you who I know are going through challenging times at the moment. In the interim of you discovering your wiser self and savouring the clarity that is coming to you, I’d like to share a couple of wonderful pearls which will help you see the wood for the trees – some of which I’ve learnt through what hasn’t worked so well and some through watching the happiest of couples work their way together – forever (spot my twinnie with her soon-to-be husband to be in picture 1):

\\ “If someone doesn’t find your requirements valid or important, I think that says enough”. Subject to your needs not being the wrong side of nutty, if you’re after the normal stuff like transparency and openness, don’t beat yourself up if someone else isn’t after the same things. Instead, recognise what that feeling in your gut is telling you – that they may struggle to bring you your version of security longterm – that solace in the pit of your stomach that tells you that you’re safe and that this person is worth risking your heart for. No matter how awesome they may be, a love interest who is unable to give you peace of mind might just be a big deal – in the wrong way;

\\ “Don’t go changing”. Wise words from the dearest of men. You are beautiful just as you are, wee one. A soul who fits you and your heart will go to the moon and back to understand you – even if it’s not easy at first glance (men are from Mars, after all). So by all means be open to learning and compromise but resist trying to change the very needs that anchor you – a fundamental difference between the two of you is likely to be an ongoing issue.

\\ Be with someone who shares your core values. Whether honesty, fidelity, lifestyle or otherwise, if your versions of the foundations of long-lasting love are different, that lovin’ feeling may not be around for as long as you’d like. So try to be true to yourself and honour, love and cherish your core beliefs, first and foremost – they’re the result of some pretty solid rocks called nature and nurture - and probably won’t be changing too much – even if your love goggles tell you otherwise;

\\ Your non-negotiables in a relationship come from a place of beauty, courage and strength. Love seeketh not itself to please, so give someone the space to be, do or have what they need to be happy, but if there’s something YOU need to hear and you’re not getting that, consider that maybe your emotional needs are more divergent than convergent – more prone to disharmony later than everlasting love. Ouch – I know – but trust me when I say short-term pain means long-term gain.

**In other words, wee Gazer, try to be as true to yourself as you can be over the big stuff. Work on knowing who you are, what makes you feel most secure, what your non-negotiables are and chat to people who remind you of these if you’re struggling to get clarity. Because once you’ve reminded yourself of what makes you tick deep down inside – what’s happening around you when you are at your most radiant – powerful – magnetic – and happy – the right things in life will just flow your way – you’ll see – energised by those magical laws of attraction that work in such mysterious ways.

The Secret Of The Best Relationships: And Why I Should Know

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How’s this for a Thursday thought, wee Gazer? A nugget of wisdom from the wise old soul I’m staying with here in Madrid.

“A good relationship requires BALANCE. Two people who equal each other out and are there for each other no matter what”.

My parents are a case in point – still together 44 years on and couldn’t be more different in some ways.

My mum is a feisty Aries – my dad is a measured Libra.

The mischievous spirit and fruity language of my pint-sized mum is countered by my dad’s calm logic and measured tones.

Where she is warm, chatty and fizzier than the sourest Haribo Tangtastic, he is understated and reflective with the command of a judge (poor boyfriends).

And where she is emotionally intelligent and a real people reader, he is a savvy intellectual, negotiating his way through the commercial world through what he doesn’t say, more than what he does.

What one has, the other doesn’t and vice versa.

And like all good couples, they have grown together in balance – and brought balance to each other – through the bad times and the good.

When my brother was on his last legs and my dad didn’t know how to deal with the strong emotions he felt – because he’d been taught this was weak – my mum was there to guide him through.

Adversely when my mum finds her feistiness putting less outspoken noses out of joint (it does happen!), my dad is there, championing the strong spirit he fell in love with.

There will always be highs and lows in life and love (who knew, Cinderella lied!) – and it’s at those bumps in the road, the times where things don’t go quite right, that this balance becomes so powerful and nourishing.

And I guess that’s what makes being there for each other – no matter what – so extraordinarily worthwhile.

So savour the balance in your relationships today wee, Gazer.

It’s the glue which binds a fruitful team. A team able to get through adversity – together – for the benefit of everyone – with the combined skill and fortitude which makes even the hardest of times so much easier to bear.

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#balance

#yinyang

#sustainablelove

#inspiration

The Real Reason You Should Never Put Your Other Half Above Your Friends

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“Never let a boyfriend be more important than your friends… in the end… whose shoulder will you cry on when it’s over?”

We’re all pretty similar when it comes to love, aren’t we?

We’ve all obsessed a little too much about finding love when not in relationships and got a little too high on oxytocin when we’re in love.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the years, it’s the value of friends who are not only there through thick and thin but also there whether attached or unattached.

What’s The Value Of Friends Who Keep It Real?

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I’ve remarked that those who maintain, let alone prioritise friendships over their other-halves seem to have healthier longterm relationships, exuding independence and identity outside their love bubble. And guess what?

Turns out there’s real truth in this according to the experts…

What’s Does Esther Perel Know That We Don’t?

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Psychotherapist, Esther Perel’s study into ‍‘The Secret Of Desire In A Longterm Relationship’ illustrates this perfectly – finding that the overwhelming reply to the question: “When do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?” was, across 20 countries:

“I am most drawn to my partner when she is away, when we are apart, when we reunite. Basically, when I get back in touch with my ability to imagine myself with my partner, when my imagination comes back in the picture, and when I can root it in absence and in longing, which is a major component of desire”.

I guess that’s why the most independent women I know are often the ones in the most exciting, energised relationships!

If you’d like to learn more, watch Esther’s fascinating Ted Talk here.

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‍#foodforthought

#independenceinlove

#poweroffriendship

A Letter From A Daddy To His Daughter Every Girl Should Read

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Whether your father is someone you look up to or not, those we value most make us feel truly loved. Just as we are.

And while it’s easy to try to second guess people’s feelings when we feel vulnerable or scared or to hope we can control the course of things – you know what? True love isn’t about control or trying to keep someone interested.

It’s about meeting in the middle and knowing that another truly cares for the welfare of your heart. Just as your family do.

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The Power Of Vulnerability

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I find the below the single scariest emotion in life.

“You can’t get to courage without walking through vulnerability. Vulnerability is at the core, the heart, the centre, of meaningful human experiences” 

Brene Brown

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How Does Vulnerability Make Us Feel?

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While it’s truly heartening to know that vulnerability is an unavoidable part of really living, it doesn’t necessarily make us feel more comfortable when we feel vulnerable. Vulnerability has us asking all sorts of questions from, “Will they still love me if they see my imperfections?”, “Will it be a turnoff when they realise I’m not Superwoman?”, “How can I manage my vulnerability while still allowing this person to really get to know me?”

Why’s Vulnerability So Hard To Show?

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In my personal experience, feeling vulnerable is a double edged sword. I know if I’m showing someone my true self I’m in a healthy relationship – which is progress – but I know that this is also The Great Test - being accepted warts and all, for the imperfect little girl in me as well as the more polished woman. And tests are scary.

But experience has, bit by bit, strengthened my understanding of the vulnerability that Brene Brown so beautifully talks about in her Ted Talk, “The Power Of Vulnerability“.  This is what I’ve learned…

Why Is It So Important To Be Vulnerable?

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If you’re unable to be vulnerable, a relationship will never truly progress – at least not to a meaningful level which revolves around trust, intimacy and truth. Sorry Gazer, but there’s just no getting around letting your true self be seen if you’re seeking authentic relationships which move beyond the superficial.

And news flash for the most vulnerable Gazers out there – we’re all human, we’re all imperfect, we all want to feel loved for the good, the bad and the ugly. That’s what real love is, isn’t it?

So if you meet someone who is bowled over by your Superwoman energy, the kind of man that’s spewing superlatives your way, “You’re the most extraordinary woman”, “You – are – literally – Perfect”, Tom Cruise jumping off a couch kinda stuff, enjoy it, but remember that even Superwoman has bad days. And if they’re really your kinda Superman, they’ll jump your way whenever you’re you – with or without your cape.

How Can You Manage Vulnerability?

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Resist worrying about whether someone will still rate you once they’ve seen your vulnerability – instead empower yourself by remembering that it’s YOUR Great Test of THEM. Are they heroic enough to scoop you up when you feel wobbly, are they kind enough to nourish your soul when it needs nourishing, do they care enough to show you that they’re stronger than others who may’ve shaken your confidence when you let yourself be seen?

How Does Vulnerability Lead To Truth?

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Anyone who doesn’t accept you, warts and all, wee Gazer, just isn’t worth your time. The greatest of men I’ve met have been at their best when I’m a blubbering mess and the not so great were rather less dazzling at moments where I needed support. Those were the moments of truth, dear Gazer. The authentic moments which, yes, may hugely disappoint us, but which also forge or break our views of others. So, you see, while vulnerability may be frightening, it’s actually The Great Leveller – in revealing who we truly are, others reveal themselves to us in their purest forms. And that – that is the truth of things. That is where meaning begins and real intimacy takes root.

How Can We Apply This In Our Lives?

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Courage is hard, but be your courageous, beautiful, authentic self and let those who are truly deserving of your authenticity come and light up your life with their beauty and love.

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#vulnerability

#courage

#truth

#love

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