Which side of the line do you fall, wee one? How empathetic are you? When was the last time you truly listened, suspending your own views of what you’d do in the same situation and resisting judging someone for taking a different approach? When was the last time you truly tried to step into another’s world, thoughts and outlook – entirely?
If coaching has taught me one thing, it’s this. Judging is as easy as breathing in and out but it takes little account of another person’s values, drivers, sensitivities, experiences and ideals. In short, that another may be entirely different to you – on many levels – near and far – and has as much right to a different way of thinking as you do yours.
For even if in little ways, we are all wholly unique beings with different tunes singing in our ears, different visions beaming from our eyes and different feelings weaving in our hearts.
From the different school environments we grow up in to our different families, friends, boyfriends and jobs, we are all shaped in entirely different ways. And these run deep in forging our identities and day to day views.
In other words, we don’t see things as they are – we see them as we are. There is no absolute truth – no right or wrong – we all have different realities – all the time.
How Can You Apply This In Your Daily Life?
So today, dear Gazer, take more time to listen – to really hear what someone is saying to you. Try to resist that inner voice inside judging what you’re hearing – because all that really is is a projection of your world – your thoughts – your ideas – on to someone who comes from quite another – no matter how similar or different.
Even if they look the same as you, sound the same as you, seem the same as you, dig deep and try to respect and honour the beauty of how they see the world.
There really is nothing better than feeling heard. If you’re the listener, you’ll learn more about worlds different to your own and deepen your understanding of another – and from the other side, you’ll feel loved, respected and in the quietness of that interchange, much closer to hearing things as they really are.
\\ **Top-Notch Article Alert** \\ **Shocking Relationship Enhancer** \\ **Revelatory Happiness Enricher** \\
For any man who has ever been confused by what women want;
For any woman who has ever been unsure of what (I imagine) men also want; or
For anyone who has ever wondered what makes some relationships go the distance – while others don’t…
And for anyone keen to maximise their chances of avoiding relationship breakdown of any kind…
THIS is an excellent article. Not only because it is non-corny account of
\\ Love from the Male Perspective \\
But more because it is a reality-based, soul-centric account of
Why Bother Implementing The Above?
Love is a complex business and being in a relationship requires a wholly different mindset to being single. And while some are naturally gifted with high levels of the kind of emotional intelligence which can aid relationship success, this is given. Life is a journey – we all have lessons to learn in the game of love – like all others. Knowing the tried and tested secrets for happy ever-after love that lasts and the difference between deal-makers and deal-breakers, can be the difference between happiness and sadness, longevity and loss.
For me #2 and #16 are the stand-out deal-makers which determine whether I stick with a love or not, invest my heart or walk away.
See what grabs your heart but be prepare to resume reality a dose-load wiser…
Happy Tuesday, wee Gazer
If you’re one of my big-hearted Gazers suffering from heartbreak, heartache or any kind of crise de coeur at the moment, I’m here to tell you you’re not alone.
Contrary to Facebook usually being a place of smug love shots, one of my friends posted a painful diary type entry last week starting “32 and single”. She’d just split from her fiancé of five years and was feeling anything but smug. Another friend has just split from her love of 9 years, while another beauty was stunned by the sudden end of a relationship that she thought might be just what she’d been waiting for.
I’ve been there myself and I know all too well the pain of something you’d imagined lasting forever, ending. The horrible, blood stopping realisation that things aren’t to be how you imagined – that surreal acceptance that knows deep down (reluctantly but starkly) – that there’s no going back – things have – somehow – changed.
I’m not going to lie – it’s not easy – it may even be one of the most painful experiences of your life – maybe the worst – but it WILL pass – eventually – with time, love and more love from you family, friends and yourself. I know because I’ve been there.
We were all stunned – blindsided – it made no sense at the time – but with the benefit of hindsight – it really did – it made sense – and it stopped hurting. And you know what? The underlying incompatibilities I eventually saw make me all the more grateful for finding the strong, opinionated man I’m with today and for the quiet calm that knows, deep down – that however vulnerable I feel – whatever happens – I will be alright – time moves on, hearts mend and the universe will bring love again. Usually a far deeper kind.
So, if you’re one of my lovely Gazers feeling far from yourself right now, believe me when I say that you WILL feel yourself again. And while there’s no quick fix, the positive lessons and strength that will grow out of that feeling of raw vulnerability – that sense of nearly losing yourself entirely – will become the seeds of your future happiness, gratitude and certainty – and when your true love finds you – you will be so much richer for your past losses – so much more grateful, blessed and able to cope with the slings and arrows that life throws your way – in every sense.
And if nothing else, hold onto the hopeful words of Victor Hugo:
“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise”.
Sending you big bear hugs full of love ox
“Some of you may already know that towards the end of last year a significant and long-term relationship in my life came to an end. I shared bits and pieces of this experience in my work, but overall it was a very deep and private experience.
This break up was one of those huge, life altering moments for me. I was floored. Broken. Devastated. For months I waded through emotions of grief, pain, hurt, anger, abandonment and total resistance.
And then, a few months ago something shifted…”
Connie Chapman - Life Coach, Speaker and Writer
Very few of us come out of love in one piece.
And while some may say that those who avoid heartbreak are the lucky ones,
I’m not so sure…
After reading Connie Chapman’s heartfelt article, “How To Let Go Of A Past Relationship And Mend A Broken Heart“, I feel a quieter confidence that while heartbreak can take us down truly painful paths, these often end up being deeply transformative journeys, elucidating who we are and leading to true meaning.
Striking the perfect balance between honesty, pain, optimism and hope, Connie’s personal tale of love and loss provides truly comforting and credible tips on how to heal and grow from heartbreak.
So if you find yourself struggling down that painful path yourself or you’re having a hard time letting go of the past, take comfort in Connie’s words and see how you can channel your pain into positives.
Read her tender, loving piece here.
1. You haven’t met his friends
If a guy’s really into you, he’ll want to show you off. If he’s reluctant to integrate you into his life after a few months, he’s likely not that into you or he could be hiding something. Do yourself a favour and quit while you’re ahead – it’s no fun trying to pin jelly to a wall and pretty undignified to boot!
2. You aren’t yourself around him
If you’re truly comfortable with someone, you can be yourself. If you’re unable to let your guard down, whether not wearing make-up or crying in front of him, it may be your second self telling you he doesn’t really ‘get you’. You may have more issues than Vogue, but in the wise words of Brene Brown, a research professor from the University of Houston, vulnerability is an essential part of love – to experience the real deal, you have to be yourself, warts and all.
3. You lose confidence
Friends and boyfriends should bring out the best in you. If you find yourself over-analysing or trying to change to please him, chances are you’re in an unhealthy relationship. In the wise words of Allan and Barbara Pease, Australia’s best-selling authors – ‘You shouldn’t have to look for evidence that someone loves you. True love is crystal clear’.
4. Your family and friends have reservations
Differences are the spice of life, but if your nearest and dearest express real concern about your relationship, chances are they may be seeing something you’re not. Love is blind and attraction can be dizzying – if his idea of normal is everyone else’s idea of wonky, it may be worth reflecting on others’ worries. Sometimes you have to learn lessons yourself, but reserve judgment en route and guard your heart a little.
5. Trust your instincts
It’s one of life’s great mysteries that we haven’t evolved to listen to our heads over our hearts. But know this – if there are red flags at the start or if you have a recurring sense of unease, listen to your instincts. If you seek reassurance from your partner and comfort isn’t forthcoming, chances are you’re right. Learning from experience is all part of life, but you can save yourself a lot of pain if you listen to your inner voice.
6. You don’t trust him
Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. Just as you wouldn’t mistrust a best friend, you shouldn’t mistrust your other half. Of course trust can take time to develop, particularly if you’ve been hurt previously or cheated on, but if trust issues remain after a few months, you should consider whether there’s a strong enough foundation for a lasting partnership. Looking through his phone or rummaging through his belongings is not a solid basis for a relationship.
7. He has a bad reputation
You should always listen to your gut, but if somebody comes with a health warning, proceed with caution. While it’s ill-advised to judge someone on hearsay, as the saying goes, there’s no smoke without fire. If people warn you to ‘be careful’, it’s worth taking note and reserving judgment. Divorce petitions suggest that history has a way of repeating itself.
8. There’s a communication problem
As John Gray writes, “Men are form Mars, Women are from Venus”. While it can be something of a minefield learning to communicate effectively with one another, you should be able to talk through issues when necessary. If you’ve tried to approach an issue calmly but feel unable to speak freely or as if you’re not being heard, you may be facing an ongoing problem. If he really loves you, he’ll want to understand where you’re coming from, even if it takes a few days to process. In the words of Greg Behrendt, ‘a man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves’.
9. You don’t respect him
No-one’s perfect but respect is essential. If you don’t like the way you’re being treated, there may not be sufficient respect in the relationship. You wouldn’t hang onto friends you don’t respect – don’t lose yourself hanging onto a partner whose personality you don’t like enough. In the wise words of Coco Chanel, ‘Keep your heels, head and standards high’.
10. You try to change him
This is something most of us are guilty of. While a good partnership involves moulding and compromise, you can’t change another person. What’s more, if you’re truly in love, you probably won’t want to.