Tag Archives: love

My 3 Top Tips For Overcoming Heartache

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Happy Monday, Gazers.

Inspired by a Facebook pop-up from 10 years ago, this is a top mindset tip for anyone who has ever:

  • Suffered heartbreaking betrayal that took your breath away and knocked you for six — for some time to come;
  • Struggled to believe in the goodness of others and worried that your ability to trust was gone for good;
  • Worried that the old you was lost forever, replaced by a new jaded model with the kind of baggage that would break the back of the strongest of porters.

A Personal Tale Of Pain & Loss

The picture below was me at university with my first love. A lovely, giddy, gentle love for much of our five year romance — the kind of love others seemed to aspire to — the kind of love that stirred boyish wonderings about babies and forevers — the kind of love that went on to break my heart into a million pieces and make me question whether honesty, integrity and trust could ever really exist again.

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Discovering that the man I’d trusted had been living a double-life was breath-taking in all the wrong ways – for me — my family — and anyone who had known us.

I’m not going to lie – the revelation knocked me for six — right before 12 law exams that challenge students even in their rightest of minds. In short – it was a twist in the fairytale like I had never imagined — a complete loss of innocence that left a gaping hole in my soul — my self-esteem — and my ability to trust for some time to come. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about if you’ve experienced something similar.

But I’m not here to mope on the downs – for thankfully they are now long gone. I’m here to share my top tips for lifting you out of real, back-breaking trauma – of any kind:

1. Get Some Counselling.

When you’ve experienced the kind of shock that shakes you to your core whether romantic, professional or otherwise, help yourself heal through counselling. Sharing overwhelming feelings will help you process your emotions, deal with your vulnerability and move forward into positive relationships that are good for you.

2. Remember How Far You’ve Come. 

Rebuilding yourself when you feel blindsided takes huge amounts of courage and strength. Even the smallest of steps are to be celebrated. Make sure you celebrate these weekly in a journal and watch your growth — maybe not back to the old you — but a new, wiser, stronger version of your old self.

3. Know That Suffering Is The Root Of Enlightenment. 

As Ekhart Tolle says: ‘The down cycle is absolutely essential for spiritual realisation’ – or put another way – ‘The wound is the place the light enters you’ (Rumi). So when you’re feeling low, remember, that’s the root from which strength and wisdom grow – the best basis for a life bursting with consciousness, empathy, presence and deep fulfilment.

How Can You Apply This In Your Daily Life?

So while that pain body may have dented the old you more than a little, know that nothing is truly permanent and the sun will rise again. And that countless others have gone through, survived and blossomed after soul-shaking challenges. Reframe your pain a little like that, if you can, and watch the law of attraction bring abundance and happiness your way.

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The Thin Line Between Love And Hate: Why The Best Marriage Advice Won’t Be What You Think

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“Generally, if someone’s advice isn’t coming from personal experience, I’m not that interested. Which is why, back when I was 24 and getting married, I paid full attention when a friend’s parent who had been married for 30 years offered some marriage advice.

Nine years later, the advice he gave me has not only saved my marriage several times, but has inadvertently become some of the best business advice I’ve ever received as well”.

Elissa Bertot

The Secret Pearl

Click here to find out what the best piece of advice Elissa was given before she got married.

I would have been appalled 10 years ago – not now!

I guarantee one thing – it won’t be what you think…

Till Death Us Do Part: Could Your Marriage Last 80 Years?

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“I would argue that the best option is a happy partnership, but the next best option is happy singledom. I’ve known many friends and clients who are much happier now that they’re not in their relationship. Of course, there are single people who are unhappy without a companion, but from what I’ve seen, the unhappiest option is an unhappy marriage, because you don’t just have yourself to cope with”.

Susan Quilliam, Relationship Psychologist

If you’ve ever yearned after:

1. The happy ever after;
2. A Facebook fairytale to rival the weekly weddings clogging up your newsfeed; or
3. Wondered whether love really can last forever

this article is a must-read.

“If you have 30 more years after retirement, why stick with the same old same old when you might find someone better?”

Embracing love in all its complexities, Moya Sarner’s analysis is realistic, surprising, romantic and unromantic all at once, reminding us that marriage is anything but something to be pressured into.

So if you’re feeling rushed by the tick tocking of the clock or anything else for that matter, check out the tale of the 77 year old who found a relationship to rival her daughter’s – or the 60 year old man who found wedded bliss second time round – far deeper than number 1.

For more where that came from, read on here.

You won’t regret it.

Suicidal To Bridal: A Single Girl’s Guide From Tragic To Magic

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Happy Sunday, dear Gazers ♢
For those of you have have ever wondered:
Will I ever meet my soul mate?
♡ Are fairytales the stuff of fantasy?
♡ Why haven’t I met Prince Charming yet?

Here is a magic little story of hope about a girl who looks just like me.

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She always got a fair bit of attention from the boys – but none quite mature enough – or extraordinary enough – to hold her tight – for richer for poorer – till death do us part.

And after what felt like an age going for men who looked (or acted) like 10 year old skateboarders (sometimes with eyeliner and leather waistcoats), she – finally – struck – gold – when a distant friend connected her with some guy called OJ. She said she’d like him because he was well-spoken and wore Chelsea boots.

Turned out she liked him for reasons which ran a little deeper in the end!

His Roman nose for one.

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And his ability to put up with her random acts of eccentricity – smearing humous in his face on date two – date TWO.

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While some of the other boys had tugged on her heartstrings – in all the wrong ways – OJ’s first thought on date 2 was, “What would a girl like this see in a guy like me?” Irony of ironies.

As their short wedding video below shows, she found her Prince Charming – in the boy with the round eyes and the Roman nose.

She found her fairytale – despite, no doubt, wondering at times whether it would ever materialise.

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So I beseech you today, dear Gazers – especially for those of you who may find it hard to keep believing from time to time:

1. You are worth the wait;
2. The wait will be worth it; and
3. You will be everything and more to your extraordinary other half – who is also waiting patiently for you.

Warts and all.

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So never stop believing in yourself and your love story.

Let the transiences of transient hearts wash over you while you keep visualising your happy ending – stronger and stronger – brighter and brighter – exactly – as – you – see – it.

Your own unbelievable love story – the real-life fairytale – the full – dreamy – shabbang.

Because if you can believe it – you will receive it. It’s the law of attraction, after all. All you have to do is work out what you really want and busy yourself doing what makes you happy in the mean time.

And if you’re in a dip right now and are struggling to pull yourself out – this short wedding vid should help ♡

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10 Handy Hints To Get Over Heartbreak Fast

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“Being single on Valentine’s Day rocks!”
said no one – ever.

Being heartbroken on what’s meant to be the most romantic day of the year is even worse.

Like attending a baby shower when you’re struggling to conceive or going to a hen party when you’ve just been dumped, V-Day can feel more like D-Day if you’re not on the receiving end of roses and rings.

So as an antidote to the lack of relationship guidance we’re given during sex education at school – like what healthy relationships look like and how to deal with a broken heart – this is my tried and tested “Hit List For The Heartbroken“, as featured in The Huffington Post.

How Being More Selfish Is The Best Way To Love

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How often do you look outwards to others to make you happy? When was the last you felt angry with someone for feeling bad – whether a boyfriend, girlfriend, friend or otherwise?

When was the last time you talked in circles to a friend about someone causing you pain or something not being fair – I can think of a fair few examples…

And while it’s very human to look to others to make you happy, the moment that steps into reliance and blame you’re stepping into victim zone and letting someone else determine your happiness – not those powerful inner resources which really determine your sense of peace.

And while making someone else responsible for your happiness is one of the easiest mistakes to make – it’s also one of the slippiest slopes you can go down – creating unhealthy victim-master dynamics in relationships which are just plain bad for everyone.

What Jada Pinkett Teaches Us About Love

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For as Jada Pinkett so beautifully explains in the short clip below, while society may suggest that the best mums sacrifice everything for their children or that the best partners do everything for their spouses – this just ain’t what happiness is made of.

In actual fact, what really happens if you spend too much of your life focusing all of your energies on others?

What happens when your perfectly formed children, your life masterpieces, grow up and take paths of their own – which, by the way – may not make you happy?

The shit hits the fan, that’s what.

**Newsflash**

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True happiness and balance is a personal responsibility and it starts from within – whether meditating in the morning, taking time out to plan your next soul-sizzling goal or making yourself the most delicious meal you could possibly imagine – just for you.

And while healthy relationships are a two way street and sometimes require frank communication and accountability, next time you feel unhappy, try to resist pointing that finger of blame outwards.

Instead, ask yourself how you can focus more on project you and let the person who’s taking up so much of your airtime come along for the ride – if they so desire. And watch the balance shift.

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So if you do one thing this Christmas, wee one, remember this simple formula:

1. You have a right to be happy;
2. Happiness starts from within;
3. Your inner happiness is what determines the rest.

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So learn to be a little more selfish this Christmas – get practising for next year – and watch the rest fall into line – just as it’s meant to.

And for more where that came from, check out Will Smith’s dynamo of a wife here:

Liz Gilbert: Why Soulmates Are The Opposite Of What You Think

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“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life” 

Elizabeth Gilbert, International Bestselling Author Of Eat Pray Love

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Elizabeth Gilbert’s musings on what constitutes soul mates resonates with me more than any of the sugary stuff I’ve come across over the years – especially in the wake of a few seemingly wonderful partnerships ending of late – the very ones I’d speculated were some of the most ‘perfect’ of the lot.

While I’ve never been married, I’ve experienced and witnessed a rainbow spectrum of loves in my time – all teaching positive lessons along the way (even if some felt a little more negative at points..)

Confusing and clarifying, deadening and electrifying, stressing and soothing, love is one of the greatest levellers in life, holding a mirror up to who we really are, what we want and also what we need.

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And it’s those unexpected endings I mentioned that got me thinking more about soul mates than any of the picture perfect love stories – what soul mates are, how they feel, how this differs for each of us and how knowing what you want in a soul mate may just be one of the great makers or breakers of longterm love.

And if you’re wondering why Elizabeth should know anything about the game of love, here’s why I think she does.

She had the balls to leave her first marriage and (literally) pick herself up off her bathroom floor – spirit in tatters – to embark on a year-long, soul-peeling pilgrimage to rediscover herself – where she unexpectedly discovered her soul mate (in Brazil).

Here’s a lady who has seen both sides of the coin – the good, bad and the just plain ugly – and blissfully happy though she seems, her view of love seems refreshingly uncanny, candid and striking.

I hope you enjoy xo

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If You’ve Ever Felt Obsessed By Something, You Need To Read This…

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“The root of suffering is attachment”

Buddha

A wise girl once told me – ‘the one piece of advice I’d give you is never lose your head over something or someone’.

I was in a toxic relationship at the time – hanging on to someone who wasn’t right for me at all – and she could see I was doing just that – losing my head – desperately trying to stay attached to something that was just plain unhealthy.

She had struggled herself once upon a time trying to stay attached to someone who wasn’t as committed as she was. Happily, after a spell teaching in Argentina, he came to his senses and they’re now happily married – wise man – but I’ll never forget what she said.

I’d like you to take a few moments now and think of a time when you felt out of control attached to something or someone – maybe bordering on obsessed.

You know the feeling – when your emotions begin to engulf you like rising flames – stifling inner peace and rational thought. When you feel yourself slipping out of control – like you’re losing yourself in something dangerously addictive but inescapable.

What was the focus of your attachment? A ‘bad’ man or woman? A job you were desperate about? Killing yourself to earn more money? Anxiety you weren’t good enough for something or someone? Fear of losing out in someway? Or maybe just worry.

How Did Chasing Make You Feel?

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How did you feel when you attained it? Better, worse, indifferent, disappointed? Or maybe you never attained it at all. Maybe it slipped away – maybe it was meant to.

Whether chasing money, love or material things, attachment gets us nowhere fast. Take the hedge fund I’ve been working at for the last month. Stamina, performance, back-breaking hours and soaring salaries – off the scale impressive in some ways – but there’s a darker side to attachment which doesn’t make the headlines or dinner party chats.

For overwhelming commercial forces – overwhelming anythings in life – are the very things which can erode what matters most – relationships – friendships – sanity – health – peace – fun – and most of all – our sense of self.

Why We Need To Learn To Let Go

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As the momentous Dr Wayne Dyer put it:

“Part of the meaning we gain by letting go is a movement toward real contentment. Most stress in our lives results from hanging on to beliefs that keep us striving for more, because ego stubbornly believes we need it. When we make the shift away from attachment, the influence of our ego fades. We replace attachment with contentment. Chasing and striving—and then becoming attached to what we chased after—is a source of anxiety that feeds Ambition, but it won’t satisfy the need for Meaning at our soul level.”

How Can You Apply This In Your Daily Life?

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So work on being less attached to people and things this weekend, wee one. Cultivate an attachment to the self through doing what YOU love, what brings YOU peace and joy and what leaves YOU feeling centred and grounded.

If you’re not sure what that is, take a stroll in nature amongst the autumn leaves. Stop and listen to the wind in the trees and you will start hearing that little voice within – pure as crystal and far removed from the ego. For that, wee one, is where the real stuff resides.

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…and as for my friend who is now happily married – maybe it wasn’t just about him coming to his senses – maybe it was also about her coming to hers – learning to become a little less attached – a little less emotional – a little more centred – and just more her.

Why Learning Not To Judge Is The Greatest Gift Of All

Which side of the line do you fall, wee one? How empathetic are you? When was the last time you truly listened, suspending your own views of what you’d do in the same situation and resisting judging someone for taking a different approach? When was the last time you truly tried to step into another’s world, thoughts and outlook – entirely?

If coaching has taught me one thing, it’s this. Judging is as easy as breathing in and out but it takes little account of another person’s values, drivers, sensitivities, experiences and ideals. In short, that another may be entirely different to you – on many levels – near and far – and has as much right to a different way of thinking as you do yours.

For even if in little ways, we are all wholly unique beings with different tunes singing in our ears, different visions beaming from our eyes and different feelings weaving in our hearts.

From the different school environments we grow up in to our different families, friends, boyfriends and jobs, we are all shaped in entirely different ways. And these run deep in forging our identities and day to day views.

In other words, we don’t see things as they are – we see them as we are. There is no absolute truth – no right or wrong – we all have different realities – all the time.

How Can You Apply This In Your Daily Life?

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So today, dear Gazer, take more time to listen – to really hear what someone is saying to you. Try to resist that inner voice inside judging what you’re hearing – because all that really is is a projection of your world – your thoughts – your ideas – on to someone who comes from quite another – no matter how similar or different.

Even if they look the same as you, sound the same as you, seem the same as you, dig deep and try to respect and honour the beauty of how they see the world.

There really is nothing better than feeling heard. If you’re the listener, you’ll learn more about worlds different to your own and deepen your understanding of another – and from the other side, you’ll feel loved, respected and in the quietness of that interchange, much closer to hearing things as they really are.

The Line That Made Elizabeth Gilbert Want To Marry Her Husband

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For those of you who don’t know Liz Gilbert, she’s the bestselling author of Eat, Pray, Love – a woman who picked herself, suicidal, up off the floor, amidst a ruined marriage and set off on a year’s pilgrimage around the world to find herself. And find herself she did – and her soulmate – with stunning aplomb.

This is a woman with brains, beauty, courage and warmth to boot. There aren’t quite words for souls like these.

Here’s What Liz’ Husband Says About Love

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“A woman’s place is in the kitchen, with her feet up with a glass of wine, watching her husband cook her a meal”.

… “He’ll pour me a glass of wine and say, now darling, what happened today? Tell me everything.”

“And I think to myself, how did I win this life?!”

‘I was telling a friend and she said, ”because you blossomed into the sort of person who attracted a man like that and you learned how to treat yourself so well on your own that when someone came along who treated you well, you finally recognised what that feels like – because you’ve been doing it to yourself the whole time.”

“And you’re like – oh he treats me the way I treat myself now – ok let’s go”.

How Can You Apply This In Your Daily Life?

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So if you’re one of my lovely gazers feeling disillusioned with love, remember the great journey Liz went on. A journey devoted to self-care, self-love and self-discovery. A journey which took her from isolation, desperation and depression to the kind of love you just don’t hear about too often – the soaring kind which – as you can see below – brings tears to her eyes. The good kind!

So instead of fixating on the end of your journey, the attainment of your goal, refocus on the journey – a journey rich in love for yourself. Because as Liz herself so beautifully explains, it’s the surest way to wider happiness.